I have been in a funk, and haven't had much to say about running lately. As I've tried to figure out how to get my groove back, two people have recommended that I join a running group. Here for your entertainment are the specific suggestions made by my friend Bill, a former runner, about how to find just the right group and make a good impression:
1. Don't join a group of annoying people.
2. When you introduce yourself, say something like "Hi. I'm Patti. From the looks of your huge ass, I suspect I can run faster than you."
3. Ask them how often they stop for smoke breaks.
4. Never miss an opportunity to remind everyone that "There's no 'I' in 'Team.'"
5. Let everyone know you're serious by wearing all the gear you can find. Heart monitor, fancy watch, headband, spandex running suit, a couple water bottles strapped to your waist, sun glasses, reflective vest and some ankle weights. Try to find some blinky lights.
6. (Deleted by editor. Trust me, it was funny.)
7. Make sure you're eating a pack of Twinkies when you first meet them.
8. Say you want to name the team "Hannah Montana" because you LOVE her! Wearing a Hannah Montana shirt at the time is definitely a bonus.
9. Ask if you can borrow a lot of money from anyone.
10. Offer to give everyone a makeover, because they "could definitely use it."
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