Life intervenes

My blogging was sporadic all summer, but there is more than laziness and busyness behind the month-long hiatus since my last post on Oct 18. On Monday, October 19, my dad had a serious fall while working at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego and he passed away early the next morning, October 20.

While I was home in San Diego for two weeks, I tried to run. I did run, a few miles here and there. There's a trail near my parents' house that circles the canyons around their neighborhood. The dry air caught in my throat and I stopped on the path to sob and take deep breaths and try to make sense of a new reality in which my dad is suddenly gone, and I am still here, trying to go for a run.

I haven't been running since I've been home in Vermont. I haven't even seriously thought about it. I imagine being a few hundred yards down the road from my house, wondering if I really have it in me to be out for 5 miles, 3 miles? Would I be able to keep my breath and mind in check, to not double over in frustration and sadness and cry on the side of the road? After staying awake too, too late and thinking pointless thoughts, could I find my way outside while there's light in the morning?

I had dreams of running and doing strength training all through fall and hitting January in top shape, ready to start training for VCM and finally run the marathon I think I'm capable of. Now, I'm muddling through the fall and hoping that January brings a fresh start.